I practice and teach two different but related ways of communicating and being with another person or persons, which significantly and instantly change the quality of the interacting.

 The interaction moves to and becomes one of honesty, mutuality, openness, warmth, caring, understanding, aliveness, and much more. This occurs in all human interacting regardless of the circumstance or occasion.

One process is called empathic listening and the other Nonviolent Communication.

 

Empathic listening

I recently published a book on empathic listening, When I Listen People Speak and Come Alive.  It is available at Amazon in either paperback or Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/When-Listen-People-Speak-Alive/dp/B0DRS166NQ

 

The aim of the book is to disseminate this listening way of relating to the general population so that this powerful change process is widely available to the community. Consequently the mental health and well being of the entire population is increased.

Empathic listening can be learned and practice by everyone.

The book introduces listening empathically which is unfamiliar to most people.  Innumerable examples from everyday situations in which a speaker is “listened to” and which moves to something different and better in their living are given. How to instructions come next, first for the beginner and then further chapters with increasing complexity and refinement for those more advanced practitioners. Interspersed are letters from people who’ve learned empathic listening with testimonies of what happened.  Also included throughout is a conceptual understanding of speaking and empathic listening which shows this as the optimal response to another in many situations, giving impetus for the reader to try out this kind of responding.

 

I also teach classes in empathic listening.  Either online or in person.  Classes include every person attending

Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is a model for transforming any relationship or conversation including those which are the most difficult into those which are harmonious and caring.

Most of us when confronted with another’s offensive behavior are limited in methods to influence the other to change. After asking politely we don’t know what to do, except to get angry, be sarcastic, threaten, call them names, (coerce them in some way), or put up with it.

This approach offers an alternative. It teaches you how to convey your negative reaction to someone or to hear their negative reaction to you in a way that transforms the communication from blame and punishment to openness and understanding. Frequently it works like magic—even though it is difficult to do and usually requires much practice!

Referred to as “the language of the heart”, nonviolent communication teaches each person how to disclose elements of their reaction (which at first are not apparent even to themselves), elements which are inherently both honest and at the same time non accusatory. So from the outset the climate is non threatening. And the response elicited is one of understanding rather than one of defensiveness.

 

Psychotherapy

I’ve been a psychotherapist for over 50 years in private practice working primarily with individuals and couples practicing a form of therapy called focusing-oriented therapy.

Mediation

I mediate disputes regardless of the intensity or longevity of the conflict between individuals and groups or organizations. The issues may be custody for couples who are divorcing, or how to work out the divorce, or discrimination charges brought by an employee to their company, or family disputes spanning generations, or church disputes between different groups or between the pastor and the congregation, or between neighbors, or between landlord and tenant, etc. As a third party I bring facilitation skills to the interaction to help the parties talk to each other in a way which is most likely to result in an agreement which is acceptable to each party. I’ve mediated many disputes between employer and employee for the State of Illinois Department of Human Rights, sexual harassment cases for the City of Chicago, disputes between parents and teachers or teachers and teachers at the Chicago Waldorf school, disputes between neighbors at the Center for Conflict Resolution as well as discussions between couples who are divorcing regarding child rearing agreements and financial agreements.

Recommendations

What participants in my Nonviolent Communication classes have said:
— When I actually use NVC the conflict changes instantly! — Attorney, DCFS, Illinois

— Actual conversation between mother and child
Mother:  I’m tired. I don’t feel like going tonight.
Child:     Where?
Mother:  To my nonviolent communication  class.
Child:     You’d better go, Mom.
Mom:     Why?
Child:     You’ve been yelling a lot less since you’ve been going

— My relationship with my husband is much improved. He’s a lawyer and I could never win an argument.  I spoke to him in NVC and he listened to me!     — Clinical Social Worker

— I can now communicate without anger or judgment with my 3 year old and my spouse.     — Social Worker

— Instead of accusing my husband of ignoring me I said I was feeling lonely.  He said, Come sit with me.  I was amazed!     — Clinical Social Worker

— Speaking in NVC I had a breakthrough with my mother over a life long issue.

— This is the most mind bending thing I’ve done in a long time! It has really forced me to reconsider how I think about and approach every interaction.         — Attorney, U.S. Govt.

— My 10 year old had a temper tantrum at the store. When I spoke NVC he stopped.

— For Father’s day my family agreed to watch a movie I chose.  When later they didn’t do it I was hurt.  I spoke in NVC and we resolved it.

— I couldn’t believe it!  I spoke NVC to a friend on the phone and had the most meaningful conversation in two years.

— My relationships with people seem to be better as a result of this.  People are friendly to me.  I don’t get in arguments anymore.

— Your workshop aided our managers in improving their communication skills and provided a structure whereby difficult interpersonal transactions can be handled routinely in a positive manner.    — President of  a Chicago Bank

— My life has never been the same. My relationship has never been the same either.  I felt empowered and more able to ‘let go’.  I started getting in touch with what I wanted in every interaction—at work, at home, with friends and strangers.  In fact I’m known to be a more direct communicator than your average business person.  I apply the NVC principles in my training and developing those who work with me.  I am more in touch now than ever with all the baggage I carry which clouds and confuses my interactions with others.   — Director of  Communications for a Fortune 50 company

— Using NVC I talked to my supervisor, whom I both feared and hated, about her being so critical; and she changed!!!  We are now good buddies.

— Since speaking  NVC conflict at work is way, way down, from 98% to 2%.    — Manager, Public Works Industry

— This has given me a handle on how to critique without eliciting defensiveness.    — Detective and Trainer, Chicago Police Academy

— NVC is helping me with my wife,  brother, and here at home.  No more explosions.  It’s a joy!  Please keep teaching this course.

— Your relaxed, supportive style made learning and risking fun!

— A parking lot attendant in the Loop screamed at me repeatedly for parking in the wrong spot. Speaking in NVC I stayed calm and the situation resolved! Previously I would have righteously screamed back in his face. And perhaps have endangered myself.

— My husband confronted me unexpectedly. The gift of the course was that I had learned to have empathy for myself. I was not blown away by his display of emotion and we avoided our typical emotional tailspin. As tough as the encounter was I could retain the notion that he loved me and that I loved him. Our intimacy has improved.

— I’m getting along better with my boss. There’s less conflict, even though I’m not intentionally doing anything different.

— At first I thought, Oh, this is another feedback model. As we went along I realized that this is much deeper than that, much deeper. — Organizational Development Consultant

— I used NVC with a group member who was angry and it resolved.    — Clinical Social Worker

— I was annoyed with a friend, but expressed my vulnerable feelings instead, and it resolved.

— I’m able to be calmer than I used to be.

— This class enabled me to take a careful look at the way I approach others.  Nice job of teaching.    — Medical Social Worker

— I appreciated the opportunity to try these skills in class with my own real life situations.    — School social worker

— I’ve tried many times to help my sister who has serious problems and she ignores me.  For the first time after using NVC she listened to me.

— It is the most non-shaming and non-blaming model I have encountered.  I have gained tremendous insight into my own personality and the part I have played in conflict situations.  Although not therapy, this class has been extremely therapeutic for me.  — Social Worker, private practice

— I thought I’d learn some useful tools, but this is more than tools; this is deep.

— I’m now much more conscious of my communication and language at work especially that which actually avoids conflict; … and I don’t know why but my life is going better.    — Administrator

— I spoke in NVC to a couple who were about to quit counseling, and they came back.     — Marital therapist

— I expected I would learn something that would be helpful at work, but I had no idea how relevant it would be for my personal life!

— A neighbor wakes me up with his footsteps on the stairs. I spoke in NVC and he said, I can understand that. I’ll walk quietly.

— After the first class I saw how NVC could be useful for many conversations. After the next class I saw how NVC was relevant to every communication!   — Salesman

— I’ve been speaking NVC at home for some time. Now my 17 year-old daughter (who has had no instruction) has also begun to use it.

— I now empathize which I hadn’t ever done before. Instead I judged, always having an opinion. Now I’m holding back from expressing it.   — Attorney

— I used NVC in mediating a dispute between my kids and spoke NVC in a conflict with my spouse. The latter was scary for me. Both were successful.

— I wrote a complaint to a utility company using NVC and it felt good saying it this way rather than trying to get revenge. I was more at peace.

— NVC is slowly permeating my consciousness. I don’t use all the steps all the time. But it has completely changed the way I relate to people at least some of the time. I know how to connect with people a little bit better.

— I’m a lot calmer at work.    — Police Detective

— I have an 11 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. One week after attending a 90 minute NVC introduction my daughter said to me, “Mom, what has happened to you?”

— The NVC model is now in my mind, and 70-75% of the time I try to use it. At a classroom meeting with angry parents I spoke in NVC saying how tense I got when anyone yelled at me. For 1 hr. and 55 minutes out of 2 hours not one person raised their voice. Only at the very last comment did one parent yell at another.    — School Administrator

— NVC gets to your inner truth, to meaning, clarity and peacefulness. Its gets to what’s really going on with you and with the other.

— I am brimming with stories of using NVC in my new dating relationship. I must say that using NVC in a primary relationship has really improved my sense of connection with my partner. ‘T’ is very interested in learning about NVC and it has been gratifying to hear him try to tell me about his feelings and needs. We have both been using it to express our appreciation of this relationship and that has been especially joyful. He has also tried using it with his 9 year old son, who was not getting ready for school on time in the mornings. After ‘T’ had a long talk with him using NVC, his son has been ready on-time every morning for the last 3 weeks.

Contact me, Allan Rohlfs for further information about any of the above at
Allanrohlf@aol.com
206 Auburn Ave
Sierra Madre, Calif 91024